Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Four minutes until I can fart!
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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