My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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