half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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