Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
