my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
