I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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