Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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