Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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