So drunk, too bad you don't want this
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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