I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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