apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
