I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
