You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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