just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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