Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
