I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
