I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
