Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
