Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
