The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
