i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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