So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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