the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
