Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
