like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I want to be your penis for a week.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
