dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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