Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
