If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I still have a little drunk in my system
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
