I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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