I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
