Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize