A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
