I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
