Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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