I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize