hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
