I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
there's paper in my vomit.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
