i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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