I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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