i already hear my dad disowning me
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
