Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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