Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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