im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize