I'm jealous of your bromance
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize