you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
