She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
