yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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