I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
