its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
