it hurts more in the daytime
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
