I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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