I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
