please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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