the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
