Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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