3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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