I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
