Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
