and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
