I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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