i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
