I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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