O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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