Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
