I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
