If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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