You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
