i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
