woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
