At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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